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Sniper_Merc
[H]ard|Gawd
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2004
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The American Medical Association, in cooperation with several Internet Hardware related websites has found yet another in the long line of Internet related afflictions.
The latest malady, similar to Fedexitus has been dubbed UPSitus, short for Unknown Parcel Syndrome.
Cause: While the exclusive and exacting cause has not yet been determined it appears as though the main problem occurs when a new hardware purchase is made by a gamer or enthusiast on a Friday and not paying the extra $50 to have an item shipped overnight and delivered on a Saturday.
Cause, effect, symptoms, and eventual cure: Generally speaking, the symptoms are wide and numerous but many of the larger symptoms have been identified, and there general cause as well.
First sign of symptoms usually occurs with .000812 seconds after clicking the submit or purchase button on a website purchase. Usually beginning with a nervous tick similar to the effect of drinking 12 cups of coffee in 7 minutes, but continuing throughout the period preceding the receipt of an email confirming that the purchase has been received and shipped by the aforementioned parcel company, aka (slow ass fuckwads) as it is commonly referred to by the individual making the purchase.
Secondary symptoms are usually noticed after the receipt of the conformation of shipment email and these can be but are not limited to: frequent visits to the parcel companies website, drooling, bitching, whining, moaning, groaning, occasional bouts of mild depression, going to internet forums and posting long winded diatribes about how the (slow ass fuckers) need to get there shit in gear. Also please note that these symptoms are added to the previously mentioned, nervous tick.
Tertiary, or third level symptoms begin to occur when the purchaser notices that the (slow ass fuckers) wait till the following Monday to actually move said purchase from a warehouse to an awaiting truck and or plane. During this period of time anger and maliciousness begin to fester and the individual may actually begin to break objects around them, IE, pencils, mice, monitors, keyboards, small children, fingers, toes etc etc. Also of note is the purchasers health begins to deteriorate during this period of time, bathing has all but been forgotten, trips to the bathroom may not include wiping, and in general smells from the patient begin to arise.
Treatment: While the symptoms are numerous they can be easily treated, however precautions should be taken as to not endanger yourself.
One of the first treatments which has been used in this and the previously Identified Fedexitus, is to trick the person into a mindless loop, this can easily be accomplished by carefully typing in the website address, http://www.zombo.com, this will need to be refreshed about every half hour or so but is quite effective in keeping the victim from exploding in a mindless rage.
Another effective, albeit messier treatment, is to type in the website address of a good pr0n site, http://www.newpic.com, and http://www.hegre-archives.com/ , are two of the known popular treatments and should be used frequently. Other sites may also work, as well, you may have to try several to get a steady and repeatable rhythm for continual relief but it shouldn't be too difficult considering the fact that at this point the patient is nearly a vegetable. It should also be noted that there is a "Jizz" factor problem related to using this method of treatment, so large amounts of paper towels should be kept nearby to deal with it, and possibly a hose if the individual is black.
Eventual Cure: This will usually be preceded by a loud engine and rumbling sound, at this point the idiot will snap out of the pr0n surfing or zombo lock within .000813 seconds of the moron first noticing the "Truck". A visit to the door, hopefully preceded by a quick run under a hose or by rubbing up against several French whores to knock down the smell of a 3 day unwiped rectal region, followed by lots of loud grunting, and quite possibly "Jizzing" all over the poor delivery truck driver, the dipshit will sign a large X and receive the package. When the door is finally closed the fuckface will usually start to whine and cry like a 12 yo girl that just had her cherry popped, and then proceed to pass out for several hours, if not days. It is during this time period that you should make every effort into stripping said shit for brains down, pour bleach over em and hose em off good.
We at the American Medical Association thank you for your time and effort in helping these poor bastards.
I wrote this last December when I ordered my FX 5900
The latest malady, similar to Fedexitus has been dubbed UPSitus, short for Unknown Parcel Syndrome.
Cause: While the exclusive and exacting cause has not yet been determined it appears as though the main problem occurs when a new hardware purchase is made by a gamer or enthusiast on a Friday and not paying the extra $50 to have an item shipped overnight and delivered on a Saturday.
Cause, effect, symptoms, and eventual cure: Generally speaking, the symptoms are wide and numerous but many of the larger symptoms have been identified, and there general cause as well.
First sign of symptoms usually occurs with .000812 seconds after clicking the submit or purchase button on a website purchase. Usually beginning with a nervous tick similar to the effect of drinking 12 cups of coffee in 7 minutes, but continuing throughout the period preceding the receipt of an email confirming that the purchase has been received and shipped by the aforementioned parcel company, aka (slow ass fuckwads) as it is commonly referred to by the individual making the purchase.
Secondary symptoms are usually noticed after the receipt of the conformation of shipment email and these can be but are not limited to: frequent visits to the parcel companies website, drooling, bitching, whining, moaning, groaning, occasional bouts of mild depression, going to internet forums and posting long winded diatribes about how the (slow ass fuckers) need to get there shit in gear. Also please note that these symptoms are added to the previously mentioned, nervous tick.
Tertiary, or third level symptoms begin to occur when the purchaser notices that the (slow ass fuckers) wait till the following Monday to actually move said purchase from a warehouse to an awaiting truck and or plane. During this period of time anger and maliciousness begin to fester and the individual may actually begin to break objects around them, IE, pencils, mice, monitors, keyboards, small children, fingers, toes etc etc. Also of note is the purchasers health begins to deteriorate during this period of time, bathing has all but been forgotten, trips to the bathroom may not include wiping, and in general smells from the patient begin to arise.
Treatment: While the symptoms are numerous they can be easily treated, however precautions should be taken as to not endanger yourself.
One of the first treatments which has been used in this and the previously Identified Fedexitus, is to trick the person into a mindless loop, this can easily be accomplished by carefully typing in the website address, http://www.zombo.com, this will need to be refreshed about every half hour or so but is quite effective in keeping the victim from exploding in a mindless rage.
Another effective, albeit messier treatment, is to type in the website address of a good pr0n site, http://www.newpic.com, and http://www.hegre-archives.com/ , are two of the known popular treatments and should be used frequently. Other sites may also work, as well, you may have to try several to get a steady and repeatable rhythm for continual relief but it shouldn't be too difficult considering the fact that at this point the patient is nearly a vegetable. It should also be noted that there is a "Jizz" factor problem related to using this method of treatment, so large amounts of paper towels should be kept nearby to deal with it, and possibly a hose if the individual is black.
Eventual Cure: This will usually be preceded by a loud engine and rumbling sound, at this point the idiot will snap out of the pr0n surfing or zombo lock within .000813 seconds of the moron first noticing the "Truck". A visit to the door, hopefully preceded by a quick run under a hose or by rubbing up against several French whores to knock down the smell of a 3 day unwiped rectal region, followed by lots of loud grunting, and quite possibly "Jizzing" all over the poor delivery truck driver, the dipshit will sign a large X and receive the package. When the door is finally closed the fuckface will usually start to whine and cry like a 12 yo girl that just had her cherry popped, and then proceed to pass out for several hours, if not days. It is during this time period that you should make every effort into stripping said shit for brains down, pour bleach over em and hose em off good.
We at the American Medical Association thank you for your time and effort in helping these poor bastards.
I wrote this last December when I ordered my FX 5900
