1 Free Gmail Account - tell me a joke

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Austin

[H]ard|Gawd
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Ok, my thread got shut down in FS/FT, but I am still in need of worktime entertainment.

1 invite left. No one I know needs one, and selling them is just silly. Tell me a joke. I am only going to read the first 20 jokes. Funniest one get the invite. Please post the joke in the thread, No PMs please.
 
A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it... she'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"
 
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book.

The teacher noticed the fly sitting on the grade book, so she smacked it with a ruler. But, the fly didn't fly away, so she smacked the grade book once again. Again, the fly didn't fly away.

This drove the teacher mad, so she started to pound the grade book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book quickly amounted to nothing more than a bunch of torn sheets of paper.

With the class laughing, the embarrassed teacher realized what had happened.

That afternoon, the teacher called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.

"That's nothing," remarked Little Johnny's father. "Last week, he drew a naked woman on the fence in our yard and I've been pulling splinters out of my dick ever since!"
 
A programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I'll ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" Now, that got the engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question, "what is the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the programmer $5. Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep. The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well? What's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer and returns to sleep.
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they are very large mammals, their throats are very small.

The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "I believe it because God said so."

The teacher said that a book, even the Bible, could not go against biological facts. And besides, there was no proof that there really was a God anyway.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
 
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
 
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they thought! All at the same time, each one in his separate room, thought, this is going to be easy.

Each finished the lengthy problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
For 95 points: Which tire?
 
i still have 5 gmail invites.
let me know if you want one, send me a pm with your CURRENT EMAIL address in it
you dont even have to tell me a joke
 
Top Ten Things Engineering School didn't Teach You

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the data book.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
10. Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.
 
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